It is less and less uncommon to have a female head of household, and it works very well for many couples. However, these changing roles can bring new challenges for both sides of the relationship.
I know this is true because I am a female breadwinner. In 2016, I earned nearly $1,000,000 from my business, and I am on track to earn even more 2017.
Even though I am the breadwinner, my husband takes on an equally important role in our relationship. He is responsible for the majority of the behind the scene duties that allow us to live a great life. He does help with the blog, but he is mainly in charge of us traveling full-time, cleaning, making our meals, managing the household, and more. He even makes sure that I am taking care of myself, especially making sure that I manage a good work-life balance.
We have a great relationship, and that’s because we make equal contributions to our relationship.
However, because I am a female breadwinner, it means that people often pass negative judgements on the both of us.
If our roles were reversed, it would be no big deal to have my husband as the sole breadwinner. Most would actually applaud him for his financial contribution and wouldn’t bat an eye at me taking on the role he plays in our relationship.
Our roles work really well for us, and there is nothing wrong with what is considered more traditional gender roles, as long as everyone is happy. Actually, more and more women are playing roles in their family’s financial well-being.
According to TheStreet, nearly 50% of women in the U.S. are the breadwinners in their family and around 66% of women are either primary or co-breadwinners.
This means that the number of female breadwinners is increasing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if females soon surpassed the number of men as the head of household.
Despite this growing trend, the thought of a female breadwinner still seems to confuse people and leads to crazy amounts of judgement.
The fact that I am the breadwinner comes up a lot, especially since we travel full-time as RVers. The average RVer is older than us, and they tend to have traditional gender views when it comes to the roles a husband and wife play. And, it isn’t just RVers that have this viewpoint. I hear it a lot, from all sorts of people.
When people ask us what we do and find out that I am the breadwinner, they ask what Wes “does all day.” People even assume that I must be super bossy. But, it’s not like that at all. We both play equal roles when making decisions. We consult each other before making purchases, discuss where we’re going next, and talk openly about all of the big and little aspects of our life. Still, this confuses a lot of people.
Recently, I had someone email me to say that I was spelling my name incorrectly all over my blog – that I wrote Michelle instead of Michael. They actually apologized for thinking that only a man could have built the business that I built. This isn’t the first time either.
And, with my Forbes feature, How This 27-Year-Old Made $1 Million Last Year, many people thought the story was about a man who made $1,000,000. Many just assumed that only a man could be that successful and that I was a gold digger, despite that fact that it said my name several times within the feature.
There were many negative comments on the Forbes interview, like the following:
Being a female business owner and a breadwinner can be a new thing to some people, but it shouldn’t be viewed in a negative way. Men AND women can each have their own success in life. And, no matter what the roles are, they are equally valuable.
Related:
Being a female breadwinner can bring new challenges to a relationship, but it can also be a very positive thing.
Whether you’re a female breadwinner or if you are on the other side of the relationship, here are my tips for making it work for you and your spouse.
Being a female breadwinner doesn’t mean that your husband is worth less.
In relationships with a female breadwinner, men often say they feel that they are worth less. Some men feel this way because they feel they aren’t providing for their family, but providing for your family isn’t just financial contributions. There are also men that are embarrassed for others to find out, there are some that say they feel less of a “man,” and others even feel resentment towards their female counterpart.
I can’t say this enough, when both parties are happy and have an equal say in their relationship, it doesn’t matter who is the breadwinner. It’s about supporting one another and creating a life together.
As long as you are happy, then who cares who earns more?
Be proud of your roles.
Traditionally, it is thought that women are the ones who need to put their careers aside to take care of the household, raise the children 24/7, and more.
It causes a lot of negative judgement when the roles are reversed, and if you don’t believe me, check out these articles about female breadwinners:
- Are female breadwinners a recipe for disaster?
- Women thrive as the primary breadwinner while men suffer, study finds
- Female breadwinners: why earning more can poison your marriage
Farnoosh Torabi, author of the book When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women, conducted a survey of female breadwinners and found that these women reported less happiness in their relationship and even embarrassment.
Whether you are a female breadwinner, the partner of one, or in a relationship with a male breadwinner, you should be happy with the roles you play. It doesn’t matter who makes the most money or who earns less.
Sometimes women make more, and other times men make more.
This is 2017, and times are changing!
Whenever someone says something negative to you or your spouse about your roles, just ignore them. Everyone has an opinion, but it doesn’t mean that they are correct.
Only you and your spouse understand the situation that is right for your family, and what is right for you isn’t necessarily right for someone else.
Be proud of the roles you play and embrace them.
If you’d like to hear from a man who isn’t the sole breadwinner in his relationship, read How to Deal When Your Wife Makes More on Club Thrifty.
Regularly talk about money.
Regular money takes are always important, no matter the role you play. However, if your roles are changing, you may need to talk more about how these changes are affecting your relationship
Having open discussions about money is an important step for every relationship. It will help prevent any surprises, ensure that both people in the relationship are aware of what’s going on, and so on.
You and your partner should sit down and talk once a week, once a month, or whatever timeframe works best for the two of you. You may want to try out different lengths of time to see what does and doesn’t work.
By talking about money, both of you will feel more involved in financial decisions. This will make sure that both parties contribute to the household and feel as though they have an equal say in financial matters.
Learn more about regular budget meetings at Family Budget Meetings – Yes, You Need To Have Them.
Realize that times are changing.
It is becoming less and less common to have a male providing for the family and a woman who stays at home. While there is, of course, nothing wrong with a male breadwinner, times are changing.
The roles men and women play in their relationships have changed a lot in the past few decades. More and more women are becoming the breadwinner in their relationships.
Due to this, realize that you are not alone if your relationship does not fit what is considered traditional.
One day, relationships with a female breadwinner won’t be seen as “odd.” Until that happens, there are still many people like you who may be experiencing a similar situation!
Are you the breadwinner in your family? What do you think of changing roles and female breadwinners?
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I think my wife and I played almost every role you could have in the money-making situation. There was a time when I brought in more, then her, and now she’s a stay-at-home mom and we only have my income. At first, we both had salaried income and the only reason I made more is she went back to school to become a teacher. Otherwise, if she stayed in the accounting world with me, we’d be making the same.
Later, when we started our real estate business, it was similar situation to what you have with your husband. She was the face, did the deals, and met with clients. I did more of the background work with the marketing, social media, blog posts, client database maintenance, and some of the contract work. I also had my day job while doing this, but she brought in the majority of our income.
We often discussed it because honestly it was a shot to my pride a little bit. Growing up, guys are told they’re the breadwinners and it’s what you grow up expecting to be. It’s not a misogynistic thing, but more of a societal construct. But, it was working for our family, so it was something I personally had to deal with.
Also, my wife would constantly remind me that if not for me going to my full-time job and supporting her, she wouldn’t be able to do real estate because it’s unguaranteed commission income. And it was something she loved. So, this is another reason humility is a beautiful thing if you allow it to be.
Today, my wife is a stay-at-home mother to our amazing 19-month-old son. She thanks me constantly for going to work and allowing her to stay home. A lot of men, she tells me, would’ve told her to put our son in daycare and get back to making money. But, that’s the beauty of our relationship. We support each other wholeheartedly.
Great post. Really gave me a chance to reflect 🙂
Thank you Dave 🙂
Very well said Michelle! ( or I mean Michael?
haha what is with these people!?)
So happy for both you and Wes! No shame in being the female breadwinner, and actually a lot of men I’ve met recently are looking for a successful partner, and are proud of them. Glad he keeps you on track for a healthy work-life balance – so, so important.
Xo
hahaha!
People actually accused you of misspelling your own name?! Enough. My husband has been in the military for nearly 18 years, and he’s very much looking forward to they day he can start collecting that hard-earned retirement check. He’d love nothing more than for me to be the primary breadwinner after that (and of course would love it if I was now as well) so he could stay home with our kid. I’m 34 and pregnant, and he’s far more paternal than I am maternal. Him being a stay-at-home-dad would just make sense for us! Unfortunately a military lifestyle makes it difficult for the spouse to maintain a full-time traditional career, so I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’ll do to get there in the next 3 years. (I’ve been a VA for the last few years.) I blogged for about 6 years but it never really took off financially, and of course it’s difficult to earn money doing something you love, like writing, while maintaining the “innocence” of that thing you love about it, if that makes sense…
Anyway. You guys do you. Obviously it’s worked brilliantly for your relationship and lifestyle. And thank you for paving the way towards normalization for the rest of us. 🙂
Yes, it’s crazy. Most of the people have apologized and even explained that they felt horrible for doing so, so I do want to say that I am glad I have my blog so that I can show others that the amount of female breadwinners is definitely increasing 🙂
When my dad lost his job in 2001 and had to start being an independent consultant, my mom became the breadwinner of our family. She’s still a little bitter about it, despite making equal decisions with my dad (who is the one who manages their money). If I get married, I don’t care who makes more, just so long as we’re comfortable and not going into debt for stupid stuff.
Yes, same here!
I think there is still an unfair bias against men who earn less than their wife, but it is getting better. In our parent’s generation it would be almost unheard of, but these days it is becoming more and more common.
I know a couple of stay at home dads who were happy to quit their day jobs to raise the kids while their wives continued their careers. it all comes down to what is more important to you and what works best for your family.
Yep, definitely!
Those guys who made those comments on Forbes are just mad that they don’t have what it takes to make the kind of money in a year.
As the breadwinner for our household and still being a newlywed, I sometimes forget that we need to discuss things before I make a purchase. I don’t make really large purchases but sometimes I buy things I think we need and he thinks we don’t. This is something I am working on because I don’t want him to think that I am just throwing my money around or trying to control everything. I always want him to feel valued and that his opinion matters.
Haha YES!
Congratulations on your success! I was never the breadwinner but I do have a pretty good salary. People are surprised to see me in the role I have because it is a male dominated field. My male counter parts have wives that stay home and since I am not at home, I must be the breadwinner for my family. Not at all. Nothing wrong with being the breadwinner or non-breadwinner. You must do whatever works best for your family.
Thanks! Yes, that’s how my last job was as well – not many females who were analysts.
My business supported his side of the business for about 4 years, until he started earning money. Right now we earn similarly, although I do care for our daughter as well (I work from home, while he has to go to his clients). We don’t care about ‘traditional’ roles, all we care about is doing well in business and caring for our kid.
Yes!
People in general are terrible! Gender roles are so entrenched in our society and it makes me so mad. My husband and I fall into the co-breadwinning category, at various points in our marriage we’ve switched back and forth on who makes more but most of the time we’re pretty even.
The backwards thinking that’s demonstrated in the comments you received also translates into people undervaluing women’s careers. People always want to talk work, career and business with my husband, and with me it’s clothes, kids and household stuff… to the point that people have asked him for marketing advice, when I’m a manager at a marketing firm and he works at a tech firm with no marketing experience.
You’re an inspiration! And you’re totally right that it doesn’t matter who makes more, what matters is that you both contribute to your relationship.
UGH – that must be so annoying!
I agree with you completely and as you say time is changing. More and more roles a mixed and for my personally, it doesn’t matter everything which partner in a relationship deserved the income. I think it’s more important that both of them are happy with their relationship.
Yes!
The Forbes comments you shared are so very aggravating. People can be such idiots.
I am 5.5 years older than my husband. We both earn, but I make the higher salary (though not by a whole lot). I face two biases: one for being older than my husband and the other for earning more. It doesn’t happen often enough to be more than mildly annoying though. The important thing is that we think of the money as our money, and we both have equal say in what we should do with our stash.
People can be so annoying! Good for you.
Wow – you handled the “gold digger” comments with way more class than I would have…
Thank you for writing this – my husband and I made a conscious decision before we even got married that he would be a stay-at-home dad when we had kids. Now that he is one, people constantly ask him when he’s going back to work, whether I give him an allowance (WTF), and more. It’s infuriating and the evolution of roles really isn’t that hard to understand.
There were so many of them – it was ridiculous!
Wow. The internet can be a filthy place. Those comments are ridiculous!!! They know literally nothing about you to judge from just a photo…stupidity unbound.
The best point of the article is that for some reason people think the lesser of the non-breadwinner. I don’t think I would be anywhere without my husband and he would be sitting in a hole lonely and depressed without me. It’s call love. Love! Not crazy power assumptions by the jealous.
Thank you!
Honestly, it’s so much not about the roles, as you said. I’ve earned more than my hubby year over year since we’ve been married (11 1/2 blissful years and counting!), and while I have only brought it up once, he brings it up to others all the time–and it’s never awkward! Well, I should say it’s never awkward for us. We both work hard outside of the home, and when we’re home, we share fairly “traditional” responsibilities; but mostly, we celebrate the blessings and freedoms that our sum total earnings afford us when we’re not at work.
Honestly, people that are looking at the roles of “he should earn more” or “she’s a gold-digger” have the whole picture screwed up (he’s the gold digger? Let’s not even go there!). If, in the most traditional concept of marriage, two become one, then what flipping difference does it make anyway?
You are absolutely “right on the money” that talking about money is key. We have regular budget meetings, we review short-, mid- and long-term goals, and discuss and agree what to do with windfalls.Communication is important in a relationship, around so much more than just money, but especially around money!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!