Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn’t wait until I do another Reader Question post. I’ll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
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We never split things down the middle, but we definitely alternated paying so neither person felt like they were mooching off the other. What shared expenses does your partner pay for if you’re paying all the utilities?
He has used you – walk away now. I can see how initially he may not have known how to split expenses but that time passed. I don’t see any reason you’d want to salvage a relationship with someone like this?
I want you to take a moment and think how you would react if someone told you that their friend had moved in with them and told the writer that they felt it was crazy that a roommate pay for anything.
You already know all the answers to your question – you just don’t want them to be true. I’m not being callous – I know how hard this is.
That doesn’t change the truth.
He is controlling you in a dangerous way already – it alarms me that he tells you ‘don’t listen to your family and friends’ – and he gets angry when you bring this up – a very bad combination if you ask me.
There is no earthly way that this person cares for you as anything other than free room and board. If he cared he would listen to you. If he cared he would respect you enough to be, at the very least, fair about money. If he cared he would not take advantage of you. If he cared he would respect the value of your family and friends to you.
And separately from all that – had you just started dating this man and he told you that he felt it was only right that you pay for everything, because he was willing to spend time with you and that was all he was willing to do – would you have continued to date him?
My advice is to end this relationship immediately – there is a lot more going on here than money – he is depleting your self esteem while he’s depleting your bank account – and I have a terrible feeling that things will only go from bad to worse – end it NOW. I might even go so far as to have his things packed and have friends waiting in another room while you have this conversation.
Good luck
Does your boyfriend have a job? It’s definitely not fair that he is relying on you to pay for everything. If you can’t get him to contribute his fair share and if he just can’t understand why, you need to protect yourself and do what is best for you. You deserve a significant other that is going to help out and put in their fair share.
I have been in your shoes before and believe me they are not fun ones to be wearing.
I currently own my home, and a few years ago the guy I was dating moved in with me. He was unable to pay rent, so we bartered, he did all of the yard work, housekeeping, meal cooking, laundry, etc. It was great for me, and I felt that he really earned his keep. However, he hated it, as all of his time was used keeping house. We broke up, he moved out and I ended up getting a housemate. My housemate then rented a room from me for 1/4 of my bills (mortgage, gas, electric, etc). We determined this number by me adding up all of my bills and determining the amount of space he was using and taking that ratio. This worked well for a very long time, until my new boyfriend wanted to move in with me. This is where it got really tricky. I had two very good rent situations in the past, but this was serious. I didn’t want him to share in the mortgage, but I felt that the space he was using was the whole has as compared to one room. So, I made him pay all the utilites, so in the winter it was slightly more and in the summer slightly less. We continued this arrangment for two years until we got married. Now, because everything is in my name we each contribute an equal amount to the joint account and I pay all of the bills from there. Out of all the methods we have used, I have liked this one the best, as it allows me to save a little, pay off my debts and still be able to pay all the bills.
Good luck, I would really try pushing towards him having to pay something, I understand you love him and you have made tons of sacrifices, but it seems like you are being used and it will just keeping continuing.
The fact that he gets angry when you bring up the topic is a HUGE red flag. I would recommend you end this relationship. The sooner you do it the easier it will be.
Pack his stuff and put it outside at least you didn’t do the old timey outdated marriage mistake
Yeah, I know this is easier for me, a random Internet stranger to say, but I definitely think it’s time to move on. And it’s not just about money. The fact that he doesn’t want to carry his weight in the relationship is a bad sign for the future of the relationship. What other practical and emotional duties will he end of shirking as time goes on?
Kick his ass out!!!!
End the relationship as soon as you can. Don’t walk, run! It doesn’t sound healthy at all. You’ll find someone better and wonder why you didn’t get out sooner.
Hi, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but now you need to get yourself out of it as quickly and safely as possible. You need to tell BF that you simply can’t afford this anymore. That you are moving so he needs to find somewhere else to live. It doesn’t matter whether you’re moving or not but I recommend that you do. And don’t give him your new address. As others have noted, there are a few red flags here. I’m concerned for your safety. It might be a good idea to call a hotline for domestic abuse to find out the best way to do this. He has a lot at stake here, free room and board so you can spend money on addictions is not easy to come by.
Run away from that relationship. The fact that you have to come online and ask for advice is bad enough; the best relationships (and I know because my parents have been together have been together for 46 years now, and I’ve been together with my b/f for 12) are like really good friendships where there is TRUST and RESPECT. He doesn’t respect you and (it doesn’t sound like) your opinion either. Money is a HUGE deal breaker for many relationships, also. He sounds very immature, also. A person that is meant for you has LIFE GOALS in common with you. He would want to help you because he would see how it would affect BOTH of you in the LONG term. That’s my opinion based on my experience. Also, if it sounds like he looks down on you. If you’ve ever read Malcolm Gladwell’s books, there is one in which he talks about disdain, and how it is typically unheard of for a relationship (friendship/love) to be recovered once one party has disdain or scorn for the other. It’s true, because the respect is lost. Have strength, courage and may you find the right person for you (we know we are not perfect). Good luck!
Throw his ass out.
There are countless red flags in your question that indicate he is being controlling and manipulative. I’ve lived with two boyfriends in the past. One, we made the exact same amount of money and split everything 50/50. The other, I took a substantial paycut to move to his town so he made about 35,000 more than me a year and we lived in the home he already “owned” (was making mortgage payments). There, we split things 2/3 – 1/3. I paid rent in the same proportion as a roommate, Internet and bought all the groceries for him and his daughter that he had every other weekend. It worked out really fair for us.
But not paying a dime when he makes more than you, and telling you not to listen to your family and friends? That is incredibly unhealthy and concerning. If you don’t feel strong enough to end the relationship on your own I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you break away. I’m not sure what his addictions are, but I am very sorry to say it sounds like he has been using you for a long time.
Take the new job opportunity and break free from this. You sound very smart and successful. You will be ok!!
I am going to keep my response easy. This is an easy answer. End it! That is enough. He is using the crap out of you and you are letting him do it. You are only hurting yourself in this relationship. He knows that he has you and you will allow him to dictate what you do. Just end it now!