Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn’t wait until I do another Reader Question post. I’ll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
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RUN FAR FAR AWAY!! That is ridiculous. He is selfish and wants to freeload off of you. If he can’t see how that is wrong and unfair he is not the man for you. Let him find someone else to pay his way through life.
His attitude is a huge red flag. Please find strength within your self to leave this abusive relationship and heal. He may not be hitting you, but abuse comes in many forms and this sounds like one of them.
As Dan Savage would say, “DMTFA” (or Dump The Mother F*cker Already). I don’t know what “reality” he’s talking about when he says that couples don’t split costs–what could possibly entitle him to a free ride when he has a job (that you say pays more than yours, not incidentally) and is perfectly capable of covering AT LEAST half the expenses. You’ve invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship, but it sounds like he doesn’t think he has a responsibility to you or to the relationship (not just financially, but getting mad and shutting you down when you try to confront him about it). Whatever positive qualities he may have can’t outweigh devaluing you as less than his equal. DTMFA.
I personally think he’s bullshitting you with his logic because it’s getting him what he wants and you’re willing to put up with it (for now). I’m sorry to hear you’re relationship is in the situation it is now. 3 years is a really long time to be in a relationship and realize that you may have to throw it away. Several years ago, I was almost in the same situation except he left me for someone else before I moved to a different state to be with him. That was probably the best thing that happened in our relationship.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, especially after 3 years and when you’ve sacrificed so much but my advice to you is to end the relationship now. Starting over is better than digging yourself deeper and deeper into the whole. Much like I said, i think he’s bullshitting you. I don’t know what type of upbringing he has had to where he would think two people living together would not share finances. Does his mom support his dad? Even in marriage, it’s common for people to share bank accounts and split the bills. Some families are still a bit more traditional in that men take care of the family financially and women take care of everything else…but even if that’s the case and roles are reversed, is he doing everything else while you provide for the two of you financially? It doesn’t sound like.
Marriage and relationships require both parties to put effort in equally for them to work out. If one person gives more than the other, eventually those feelings of unfairness catch up to you. If you’re at the point where bringing it up angers him, he’s not going to change even if you talk to him about. You need to take action, whether it’s by stop paying for his things or leave him completely. Otherwise, he’s going to continue what he’s doing because he knows he can get away with it as he has been doing.
There’s better people out there, there’s no need to put up with someone like that. Sometimes you have to think about whether you’re really in love or you’re in love with love itself. Does he genuinely make you happy? Or do you think you’ll be unhappier without him? If the latter, then what youre going through the price you pay.
I wholeheartedly agree with Susan C. Though you may not be able to see it right now, this is not a safe situation. As a long-time volunteer with a domestic violence program, I can see many red flags. He isolated you when you quit a good job and moved states to be with him. He is dismissive of your thoughts and feelings and reacts in anger or calls you crazy when you question him about making changes to the situation. He tells you to not listen to your friends and family when they have concerns. He makes you pay for everything and even sell your own possessions when he needed the money. At the very least he is being controlling, emotionally abusive, and financially abusive. I second the recommendation that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can give you more personalized information about safety planning for if/when you decide to leave the situation, as well as listen to your concerns about his behavior. It is completely anonymous and they can’t trace you, so you can speak freely even if you just have some initial questions and are unsure of what you want to do.
Please be safe and know that you deserve much better than this.
It sounds like he wants a mommy to pay all his bills, take care of him and take care of his son. If you want a partner then this person is not for you. Even if you love him, this situation isn’t right and for your mental and emotional sanity you need to ask him to leave because it isn’t healthy
Almost all, if not everything, in the above posts is spot on.
From your position it is hard to see and feel clearly. I have counseled many folks over the years as part of my work and I can tell you that those folks suggesting a possibly dangerous situation are not out of line. You may not want to believe it, but there are many signs there to suggest potential dangerous responses to any assertiveness on your part.
Whether you can accept it or not, this man does not love or care for you. He is using you. His true inner feelings are: “I love me and I want you.” He may even show tears after anger, but he will try to manipulate you for his own benefit. I will not say it is impossible for him to change but very unlikely, especially as long as there is anything like substance abuse.
Another factor that is hard for most folks to accept and even harder to act on is that you are enabling him to carry on in this way. You know that what he is saying about sharing expenses is absurd. You should not argue the point. He knows what he is saying is laughable but he argues it because you accept it as much as you do. He is able to do this only because you accept it. Do not continue to teach him that this is acceptable.
If he earns more than you do then he should be contributing more than you do to the household expenses, but half is a minimum. The advice of others to get out as quickly as you can is probably well taken. But at least you should let him know that if he cares anything at all about you, even has the normal respect due to friends, he will accept his responsibility to pay half of the household living expenses and that if he will not he should move out.
My response is going to sound extreme, but your relationship is an extreme state.
You need to kick him to the curb. NOW. You are being used 100%. He is a little boy, not an adult in any way shape or form. I get that you invested a lot of time into this relationship, but you are the only one. There is zero chance that he is going to change. Please put yourself first.
I hope everything works out for you.
Sorry to be so blunt, I know that I don’t know you or your partner, but my advice is ‘run!’.
HUGE red flag here, my friend. Sounds like there is A LOT of self-focus/selfishness going on with him, and that will not make for a happy relationship long-term. Obviously the decision has to be yours, but you don’t want to waste your life having some guy mooch off you. Relationships need to be 100/100, not 100/0. Best of luck to you.
Time to call it quits asap!
I would run, not walk, away from this guy who is clearly using you. You deserve to be happy. You will never be in this situation.
I think it’s time to let go. My boyfriend paid for everything when we moved in together, but I helped where I could. He’s taking advantage of you and you obviously know it, you just need the extra kick in the butt to take action. This is me kicking you in the butt!
While I agree with what everyone is saying the real problem is not that the guy is not paying for anything, but that the guy is an addict. His behavior (selfishness, manipulation) is not going to change unless he decides to get help for his addiction (and there is nothing in your question that indicates he wants to). This is tough advice to swallow but please leave while you can. See the counselor you have lined up, but alone, so that you can work through your own issues (afterall you choose him and put up with him). Going to al anon or another addiction support group for families of addicts would also be helpful. It does hurt to end a long relationship, and it may feel selfish to focus on yourself, but please take care of you and your needs. You deserve better.
You deserve better than this. Life is short. This is hard to write but he has a complete lack of respect for you and from his perspective you are his Sugar Momma. Basically, you aren’t in a relationship because if you were there would be mutual love and respect and he would be happy to help you financially and emotionally. Don’t compromise your self-respect and dignity. There are 7 Billion humans on this earth which means there are a number of different men out there who will love and cherish you. You just have to move on and create the literal and mental space to allow them to meet you. Wishing you only good things.